Champagne wishes and caviar dreams!
The Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous; an old TV show and a fun way to watch obnoxious people with more money than you drink thousand dollar bottles of wine while cruising on multi-million dollar boats. Today we call it Keeping Up with the Kardashians but it’s the same thing.
Only the finest, fit for a King.
Society has always had a fascination with luxury. Whether it was Cleopatra and her golden headdresses, King Louis XIV and his golden Palace of Versailles or Donald J. Trump and that golden coif of untamed cotton candy perched atop his scalp; people have always sought out the finest things in life. Crystal, Maybach, diamonds on your timepiece, jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash we actually do care and are very caught up in our dreams. We all want to be royals.
Yet we are not playing Baccarat in Monaco or sunning ourselves in Ibiza; we are slogging through sweltering Orlando humidity that has the consistency of airborne Cheez Whiz. Alas a trip to our favorite theme parks rarely offers the elite of society a respite from the stench that is mankind. Once departed from the Disneyland Dream Suite it’s difficult to distinguish the top 1% from the lowly 99%.
Louis Vuitton bags, Gucci shoes, Prada dresses; no one cares about those extravagances while hurtling down Chickapin Hill or taking a quick trip to the chiropractor after a spine snapping jaunt on the Matterhorn. The parks have a shocking dearth of amenities catering to those who demand the splendor and opulence that true affluence affords . Admittedly, the surrounding resorts offer fine(ish) dining and terry cloth robes (spun of lowly cotton, lacking the supple softness of fine silk), but unless you break into the defunct AT&T lounge at Epcot there are but a paltry few ways to be pampered while in the parks.
Fortunately for Russian billionaires, Chinese moguls and Middle Eastern Sheiks one classic Disneyland attraction secretly bathes guests with not one but three hidden luxuries. These are the very types of curated experiences that even the finest concierges in the world would have trouble executing and yet these blissful delights are available to all, you just have to be in the know.
Unaware, uninformed lemmings line up like drones. They are not enlightened.
1) Lines? A person like you does not wait in lines.
The classic Dole Whip is one of the most iconic Disney delicacies. A luxurious blend of decadent, velvety smooth golden pineapple sorbet and rare tropical juices (imported at great expense from far off islands), it offers pure contentment on a hot summer day. The price of entry for this golden dream is surprising low and thus exorbitant lines quickly form in front of the Tiki Juice Bar, often snaking throughout Adventureland.
The civilized few refuse to wait, choosing expeditious privacy instead.
What is a privileged park guest to do? Simple. Instead of queuing like ignorant slobs with the rest of the misinformed masses simply proceed directly through the entry gate to the Enchanted Tiki Room, bypassing the juice bar completely. There you will not only find a lovely private courtyard with delightfully kitschy themed benches but more importantly private access to the Tiki bar and all of its offerings. Instead of standing in line for 30 minutes you will be luxuriating in a private tropical hideaway; libation in hand and smug smile on your face. You don’t wait in lines… lines wait for you!
An enticing treat enjoyed with delightful company makes an excellent amuse bouche prior to a gastronomical campaign at Club 33 (may we recommend the sweet breads, they are superb).
2) No food or drinks allowed within attractions; that rule simply does not apply to a person of your stature.
After acquiring your Dole Whip perchance the sun is too harsh for your glistening, delicate, dewy soft and excessively moisturized skin. For fear that your eyes may fall on a plebeian lot even the tropical garden may not offer you enough seclusion. Perhaps you would prefer to retire to the climate-controlled comfort of the theatre to partake of your lush confection. You are of course most certainly in luck as cast members will acquiesce to your whims and desires on this point. The Enchanted Tiki Room in fact grants guests of all tax brackets the opportunity to enjoy their frosty treats indoors throughout the show. Lean back, put your Italian lamb-skin loafer clad feet up and luxuriate in the knowledge that you will eat where and when you please.
Do not allow the primitive adornment to alienate you, these private facilities are a well-kept secret.
3) Public restrooms are a fact of life; perhaps for most, but not for you.
Though it is not polite or proper for an aristocrat to discuss such issues there will be a time when nature calls. At such points you cannot be expected to share your most private of moments with flip-flop wearing underlings. No, you deserve, nay you demand privacy during those most delicate of times. Once again the Tiki Room is there to serve you offering secluded, private and virtually un-used lavatory facilities.
Of course gentlemen are afforded separate quarters.
While the commodes are disappointingly bare, lacking the varnish of gold one is accustomed to, they are still lavish as compared to the mass troughs most must shamefully use. In fact the delightfully primitive execution allows one to experience what it must be like to be common while still remaining elevated and removed from the unsightly bourgeoisie. These elementary and yet essential facilities may be found to the left of the entrance to the amphitheater. Most patrons ignorantly march past them oblivious to the comforts they contain.
Of course you may take photographs of the show, feel free to record it as well.
Bonus: No Photography or Video, you may ignore that missive.
There is one final benefit of your success. Should you currently be involved with a reality show you may have your personal photographer or videographer capture your indoor Dole Whip consuming romp. Neither photography nor video recording is restricted here, not when it comes to you. As long as the crew keeps the external lights to a minimum you may produce a filmic masterpiece at your leisure.
A person with your resources will not be confined to the rules and regulations of the proletariat. You have arrived and now you know three (and a half) hidden luxuries that only the Enchanted Tiki Room offers.
Enjoy and please give Kim, Kanye and Caitlyn our best regards on your next visit.
I will always have a special place in my heart for the Tiki Room. One of my earliest “Mind Blown” moments was sitting there and seeing the totems and flowers start to sing. I was sitting close to a totem and I could not get over it. These people had thought of EVERYTHING!!!
Being East Coast, I have only been to Disneyland once. I was 23 years old and it was in the late 90’s. The two things I remember best were riding the weird “Rocket Rods,” and the indulgent thrill of eating a cold, fresh pineapple spear while watching the Tiki Birds. Refreshment at its finest.
Well the Rocket Rods are long gone but the beauty of enjoying cool tropical treats while watching singing birds, flowers and totems remains and really is one of the little things that makes Disneyland so special.
Rich people suck. Of course you know, now that your secret is out, the next time you’re there and sprinting to that bathroom because your digestive system didn’t take too kindly to the 2 pounds of bacon you ate that morning at the breakfast buffet, there will be a nice long line for you.
I thought about that Greg but remember: I have not given away all my secrets, just those I can afford to lose.